This Boy.
i know i haven’t been here in a while, but its times like these that make Tumblr such a useful tool. i almost broke out in a run to get home and try to bang through these feelings on my blog… so now that i’m here….
i can’t help but feel helpless, because my emotions are running rampant and i can’t rightly say why. there’s a boy here in the city with me, lets call him… George. George has been my nearest and dearest friend here in New York, and i cant’t be more thankful to him for being there for me through some of my roughest times. lately, however, my feelings about George have taken a turn for the worse, or better, it’s unclear. i used these words earlier in a Facebook status to describe how i felt:
“this boy. i dont think im in love with him, but more so utterly enthralled by the object, or rather, idea of him. either way, i can honestly say that i’ve never felt this way before. its like, all we are is in the gray area, yet, gray has never been so clear.”
and this is the truest way i can describe what he is to me. before we left for Christmas break, i wrote a letter to my brother, describing how everything between me and George was beginning to change. i talked about how when he touched me, there was so much more… electricity. that was when i first realized how i was beginning to feel about him, but at the time, i thought no more of it than i’d deemed necessary. now. after Christmas break, me and George were the only two of our group of friends back from home, so we spent those entire days together. New Years Eve, we stepped out together and spent the entire night, just the two of us, wandering around the city. this is where things got really gritty for me. at midnight, we shared a New Years kiss that sent my head spinning in all directions. it wasn’t much, just a peck really, no tongue or anything, but still, at least in my eyes, passionate. now you have to understand, that up until this point, i was 60% sure that he was a closeted homosexual, and the other 40% wasn’t betting on him being strait, but rather that he wasn’t in the closet, just shy. but that night, that kiss, the days preceding it, were all making my original inferences look quite unsupported. ever since then, my feelings have been growing and deepening into something that now, i can’t explain. i feel like i’ve fallen into a state of constant disarray. every time i’m near, my heart goes wild! but i honestly can say that i’m not in love with him. i KNOW what love feels like, and this is not it. it’s something more, and something far less. a friend of mine used the word “infatuation”, and i truly think that’s the only way to describe this. i want to be around him all the time, but not for holding hands and exchanging love notes, just to study his mind. i want to make love to him, but not for the closeness or the pleasure, only to study the way his body would move with mine. i want to love him forever, but not to share the intimate times one shares in a relationship, but rather to know how to go about loving someone like him. i think the difference between what i feel for George and actual love, is that this is far more selfish. i want to love him and make him happy beyond his wildest dreams, but only for my own research of the way he works, and how we would coexist. i’m not sure if this is a healthy basis for a relationship, but it is nonetheless a solid basis. but would i want a relationship with George? i think so. but i don’t think it would last, it would depend on how long it would take me to figure him out, i suppose. or on how deeply fathomed his heart, mind, and soul are. it could take me all of 4 months, or “as long as we both shall live’. in any case, he doesn’t seem to be aware of, much less interested in the feelings i have for him. George is deep and full, but clueless, in some aspects. so, i suppose, these feelings are, ultimately, for naught. either way, at least i took this time to figure them out.
(Source: pandafaceee)
